People That Tag Along

[tedanderson]

I am currently training up a young man to work in my area of ministry (he is 21 but essentially still his parents' child) who is the oldest of 5 children in his family with ages that range down to 13. He is part of a very tight-knit family that usually does everything together.

Their family practices the buddy system where they don't allow anyone to be alone or away from another family member at any given time or for any extended length of time. So any time they are around, if they are not under the direct supervision of their parents, they are always together in groups of 2 or 3 if they are not all together. The only exception is that they will escort each other to the various areas of the building to "drop off" or "pick up" each other if they happen to be working in different areas of ministry on a particular Sunday. e.g. if one of them happen to be working in the nursery, the group will walk there together and then on to the next area of the building to drop off the next person and so on. But essentially they are never in a place where another parent or sibling isn't nearby.

At church, this is fine, however, periodically I'll be taking him out on the road with me to do outside gigs where it isn't convenient or proper to have someone tagging along with him. Is there some sort of religious or spiritual significance to this type of family "rule" or is there something else behind it that I need to understand?

When I spoke with the young man the other day about going out to do a wedding this weekend, he mentioned that his brother will probably be coming along with us, and at the time I didn't want to say anything that would offend or discourage him but the bottom line is that his brother can't go.

But at the same time I want to handle this situation as respectfully and as gently as possible. A couple of weeks ago, another member of our team addressed this exact issue with the young man's parents and the long and short of it was that they became very defensive and had a few strong statements that basically said, "Don't tell us how to be parents to our children."

So I am looking for advice and suggestions on how to handle this issue because if the buddy system is their way of life, I am not going to knock it. But at the same time, my way of doing business does not have provisions for my employee and his kid brother. Honestly, it does not bother me in the least but sometimes it's physically and technically impossible when I am hauling equipment in a box truck that has only 2 seats.. or I am doing an exclusive event that has has a very tight attendee list.

[liko81]

I haven't seen this myself, but it sounds logical - for minor children. Pair a teenager with a younger sibling and they'll "tattle" on each other every chance they get. For a 21-year-old, IMHO it's time to take the leash off. This person is his own man in the eyes of God and of every legal jurisdiction in the United States (and most other countries).

Both sides have some decisions to make, and as I see it they are very straightforward in both sides. Your apprentice either can bring his brother or he can't. That decision seems to have been made (he can't). Given that decision, the parents have a choice; either they will make an exception for their adult son to go off on his own, or they won't, which will determine whether your apprentice can come or if he can't. That decision seems pretty firm as well, but if you explain it in terms of it simply being impossible for him to participate with a buddy, they may bend. Finally, if they don't waver, you must decide if you can continue to have him as your apprentice, brother and all, or not. If this buddy system is going to mean that your apprentice cannot help you out when he is most needed, then regardless of his willingness, he is not able to be your apprentice. It may still be a difficult decision, but it really is just that simple.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

[petereit]

Why can't his brother go?

[DOH!] Never mind. (It helps to read the WHOLE message.)

21-year-old needs to grow up.

[[Director] Joseph B]

When I bring someone to assist me (paid or not) it is only them - not family members who have no purpose for being there.
How would you feel if the doctor taking out your appendix had one of the nurses bring her 14 year old brother to "hang out" in the operating room with you?

[Esoteric]

Yeah. My mom was overprotective (I didn't leave our yard by myself until I was in 4th or 5th grade), but by the time I was 21 I was living away at college making my own decisions (and mistakes) that lead me to be the man I am today.

In fact my fear of debt is born out of all the debt I got into in college. My wife (who did not accrue as much debt as me in college) has no such qualms about getting into debt and taking years to pay things off.

It is time for him to grow up (and as the son of an over protective mother, I know how hard it can be) and tell his parents (respectfully of course) that it is time for him to make his own decisions, and this one is decision number one (of course he has to come to this realization on his own).

The only thing you can do is what you have already done.

Mike

[[Admin] osborn4]

Parent's house, parent's rules. The parents need to allow the 21-year-old to grow up. I've seen too many sheltered kids go off to college and go completely nuts. No telling what this former kid might do when he moves out.

But that doesn't help Ted.

[Paris MkVI]

As long as he lives under their roof, he lives under their rules.

The wisdom of those rules as described here is a topic for another post entirely.

He has to accept the fact that those rules will place even greater restrictions and limitations upon him as he gets older. That is an issue he must deal with.

It is not an issue you must deal with. When he says his brother must come along, then I would explain how and why that is not going to work, and let him know I will find someone else. Then I would tell him I look forward to other opportunities that will work within his family rules and limits.

That's what it is - a family rule and limit. Not your rule or limit. You do not have to live or re-arrange your work to accommodate it.

[MediaGuy]

Mr. MkVI is right. As much as you want him to come along, and as much as you may need him to come along, it is as simple as this: the family rules clash with the needs of the job. It would probably be easiest to politely dis-invite him as gingerly as possible. Maybe that would start the wheels turning about re-examining this family practice (which I understand but - teenagers? 21??? really?????).

[tedanderson]

I am very appreciative of everyone's comments.

So the general consensus here is that if his parents won't allow it, then he just can't come on the road with me. Bottom line. I hear you guys loud and clear.

Another thing that makes makes this situation difficult (which I forgot to mention earler) is that some of my referral clientele comes directly from my apprentice's family. So as a courtesy, I wanted to pull him in on the gigs but at the same time, I couldn't create a situation of awkwardness where the clients feel pressured to entertain the little brother who is off to the side twiddling his thumbs. And then I also consider that I sometimes go into environments that are not so "Christian friendly" where you gotta get in do the gig and then get out as quickly and inconspicuously as possible.. which can be hard to do safely if you have to work AND "babysit" at the same time.

But you guys are right- Even though his parents have raised him to be a mature young man who is capable of taking care of himself, he has to break away from the nest at some point. He has been home schooled all of his life (along with his siblings) and after graduating high school, he is now in home-schooled college. He is taking classes online. I guess ages 18-21 go by so quickly that it's easy to forget that your child is growing up so maybe this will help him discuss loosening up the rules with his parents.

So again, I appreciate everyone's comments and I will just have to tell him that in respect to the rules of his family, he can't come.

It's difficult but that's probably the best thing to do.

[petereit]

Here's a solution that might strike an acceptable compromise. Little brother can't come, but Dad could certainly drive 21-year-old son to the event and join you.

[tedanderson]

Now THAT'S an idea!

But we will eventually get to the bottom of the issue and make some serious decisions one way or the other.